Through the Ice
by Shadowangel-kira
Summary: Squall is going through some hard times and he cant decide what the difference between love and lust. Will quistis save him or will seifer gain his trophy back? Squall X Seifer AND Squall X Quistis CHAPTER 7 NEW
1. Passion on a beach

Through the Ice... Chapter 1: Feelings on a Beach  
  
Small visions running through my head as I can only remember so much. It's been 2 months now, and this memory haunts me more and more with each passing day. I don't know why I'm here...it brings too many memories back...I sit here in watch of the moon and the stars that light up the beach, as the cool wind barely blows the chunked hair out of my face. I love this place...and yet I hate it. I close my eyes and listen to the world around me and try not to think. Thinking makes you feel awkward and uncomfortable...I was never found of it myself... Why do I think so much?  
  
"Squall?" I can hear a voice ringing. "Hey Squall...you ok?" The voice and the sound of footsteps knock me out of my deep train of thoughts. I look solemnly toward the walking figure as it puts its warm hands on my bare shoulder.  
  
"Why are you out here again? Every time I see you, you're here." I tune them out. I barely could hear anything. Why am I here again? Why do I come almost everyday at this very time? I could never answer that, nonetheless tell someone else why. I look at the worried face of my dear friend and give a light smile. She smiles back. She was wearing her usual outfit, the soft orange color touching her pale skin, and her medium cut dress with her knee-high boots on. I smile once again happy to see her; she's really the only person that has stuck with me through all this. Everyone else just kind of stopped caring. Interesting when things happen that are serious, and then and only then you find these people they call 'True Friends.' Rinoa left me, and though it was kind of sad, I still think back and see that it actually doesn't hurt me. Cruel? Maybe, but she was trying to make me into something that was too fast and well, that's that. Zell, he went off training, he spent most of his time either in the training center or with his new girlfriend. The young girl from the library that he had flirted with at some point. Irvine went back to Tribia were we had first met him before the sorceress war began. Matron started running the orphanage again, taking care of children and now has a father figure as well. Cid filled that spot without question. Last I heard they got married and had a child of their own. Selphie.she goes wherever Irvine goes, she went with him to Tribia, and I assume that they are together and well. Oh.. And there was Seifer of course..  
  
"Squall...would you stop thinking for once and just relax?" Quistis said in a soft tone as she laid each of her hands on my bare cold shoulders. I snapped out of my trance yet again. She may know me too well..but she isn't like the others. She actually keeps her word and helped me throughout the worst times...especially for these last couple of months. I looked at her, placing those ever so 'imitating eyes'..she is unaffected. She stares back into my cloudy orbs with such passion. It was obvious that she had felt something for me ever since we were kids. I would admit to myself that I had felt such sensations within myself as well. Ever since my sis had left me, she was my sister figure..though maybe always a bit more.  
  
"Cut that out.." She giggled and slightly hit me upside the head. I look at her and in the first time, for a while, I laughed. She smiled contently knowing that I was finally lightning up. "So you never answered me..why are you here again?" She asked still looking in my blue-grey eyes. I lightly shrugged. There wasn't an answer. I sit here and think why I'm here, but to none of my success I fail and come here..to think..maybe I do that too much. I look at my former instructor; her blonde hair was down for a change. Her semi-wavy blonde hair caressing her light face, making her ice blue eyes stand out more. The rest of her hair was pulled gently back by her sunglasses.  
  
"That's a new look." I said almost inaudible. She smiled. "Oh? I figured it was different..like it." I nod my head and close my eyes. She was truly a friend. She, these days, was the only person whom could lift my spirit, and maybe I owe the world to her..and so much more.  
  
I once again concentrate on the ocean, as the waves slowly roll to shore. I could see her warm and enduring smile in the corner of my eyes. She was truly beautiful. I liked her..no. I loved her. But I was afraid that it'd be awkward. I mean a student with his instructor. But maybe that's what she wanted to. Maybe that's what I wanted. I wanted to be held within warm and heavy arms, knowing that they wouldn't let go, holding you forever and ever. Having that 'there's nothing that can stop us' feeling as both of you intertwine your lips and feel a dark passion deep within your body. I sigh and I see her start to walk closer to the shore. I get up slowly finally lifting my light weight body to a standing position then slowly approach her. She sighs and closes her eyes. Our silence was finally broken.  
  
"Squall...do you remember.that day..2 months ago?" She said quietly not moving. I stayed silent. Of course I remember..that's the day I shall never forget. I can't..that's when my life was shattered in pieces.I don't think that I have ever felt so horrible in my life. I look down and away from her, ashamed that it had never came up.  
  
"Why won't you tell me? What's to hide..Seifer's gone...you're safe now.." She turned around and to my surprise her hands rise to touch my pale face. She laid her hands softly on either cheek, I couldn't help but to smile. "Squall...I have to say something...please listen.." She was quiet as she had slumped her head down. I lifted her chin lightly with my finger making her eyes face mine. "I am...I always have.." She smiled and with that moment she kissed me. At first the shock came over my body, me wanting to shove her away with her sudden fast movement. But then something happened. A warm feeling deepening as her lips locked on mine with a kiss that must have lasted forever. The sudden feeling of passion as I found myself giving up and kissing her back, each of my hands on her waist pulling her closer..deepening our passion.  
  
Then it stopped. The cold had returned and I opened my eyes. She had pulled away. I look down at her and her head is rested quietly on my shoulder. Yet, I couldn't help but smile. She had a way with doing that to me. But that passion..that loving feeling..did it make things worse? I felt a sudden rush to my head as a vivid flashback makes me winch in pain and I held my head dropping to the floor..  
  
"I love you" A brunette said from across the room to a blonde tall man. He flinched as I said those words that I have meant ever so much. He came home..more drunk than I have ever seen him. He was stressed half of the time, me being commander and him running from Garden to Garden and not being able to hold me like he used to. Last I knew I was on the floor looking up at him. I have never been so scared in my life. His eyes weren't filled with passion..then a loud smack had filled the room..then the lights went black.  
  
I frantically sit up and realize I wasn't were I was before..I slightly touch my forehead. Cold sweat. 'damn him' I thought as I looked around the room. It was my dorm, I was sitting on my bed..but what happened? Where was Quistis?  
  
Sorry for those who read my last version. I understand now that there were some mistakes and the site didn't download my whole story so there were some parts left out. I hope I have fixed them and I soon hope to continue by putting up a new 2nd chapter so it you have read please re-read because there are some changes and thank you! Please review! 


	2. Seeing a Difference

Through the Ice. Chapter 2: Seeing a difference  
  
The cold sweat barely trickles down my temples as I try and regain my composure. 'What happened' I think. 'Ok.I was at the beach.with Quistis.then.a kiss?!?' My eyes widen as I had remembered and savored that very moment. Then what? I sigh in a defeated tone as something makes a loud noise somewhere in my room. My cold glance looked toward the bathroom door, and there was Quistis. Hyne.what the hell was that? I look in surprise as she is totally different. Her hair is wet and let down caressing her face once again, and she wasn't in her usual attire. My eyes fixed on her, as my cheeks seemed to be stained by a pink cloud, and even more only because she knelt down next to me. She was giggling. She was wearing a dress, one that fit her figure more beautiful that it would never be let out into words, nor could I make them. I stare at her, she's gorgeous. Her slim arms were showing bare with a light blue dress that went to her lower thighs. Her pale legs were shown until her boots hid them away when they were about knee level. She smiled at me, and then sat next to me on the bed. I propped myself on each elbow but she, by then, had laid her gentle hands on my shoulders and pushed me back down.  
  
"You blacked out last night...you need some rest so just relax.." She said in a loving tone, this time even seeing passion in her eyes as she looked at me. I tried to speak opening my mouth, but her finger traced along my lips pausing in the middle. "Shh.don't worry." She smiled softly yet again. I couldn't do anything but stare at her. I never figured out this feeling I felt when I was with her. Maybe it was love, or maybe it was something else. How did she feel.obviously she ha felt the same tom but is she just as scared as I am? Maybe, but between each other, that's our silent romance. I sigh deeply as I lay back, content. I laugh in the inside. Content. What is the meaning of that word? Is it just being comfortable? Or simply happy? That's another world mystery that I'd never know.  
  
I close my eyes and try to relax. Too many thoughts.why am I doing this to myself.I try to take deep breaths. It doesn't help. I'm so lost and confused, that if had to tell someone my problem I just wouldn't be able to explain. Do I love her..or lust her? Would it feel awkward if we were together? Or would everything be fine? At that very moment a rush of warmth hit my body. I open my solemn eyes to find her, Quistis, laying and cuddling next to me. The stain on my cheeks gets a crimson color as she kisses my cheek softly, maybe even passionately. I look at her, maybe confused, or maybe just possibly blank. She smiles softly and holds my cheek with her hand. "You're safe.." That was our last words. Then silence came into the atmosphere and there we slept her figure in my arms, both with a smile on our faces. I actually didn't dream, I don't remember much of what I thought, but I think that I had found what the meaning and feeling of being content really stood for..  
  
A perfect sleep, content without a worry in the world, until now..my thought and peace was shattered as a bang came to my dorm room's door. I sat up in surprise, waking the sleeping princess by my side; she sat up looking at me. "What's wrong?" she looked at me terribly worried. My gaze couldn't leave the door. I knew who it was..and what he wanted. I felt like I wanted to hide, in a dark place where I'd never be seen or thought of ever again. I wanted to vanish from existence. I shrink in my composure. Quistis frowned then got up hearing for a sound. The banging on my door resumed more forceful. It sounded like the wall would just give and fall, maybe just like me..I close my eyes, this cant be happening.A moment later the banging had stopped, and just so did my heart as the fear built up inside me, impulses within my veins as I finally gather the strength to try and open my eyes. I failed. It seems that my body wasn't functioning with my mind. And yet I try again. To my avail my try was a success. I open my clouded eyes to see the door creaked open with a tall blonde man glancing at me, his eyes piercing with a look half between sorrow and betrayal. I wince just merely at the sight. His eyes and mine, looking and gazing at each other with suck intensity you wouldn't believe, once rivals, then lovers, now possibly mere enemies. I slowly pace myself to stand up, but never inching away toward the bed as something had stopped me. Quistis. What was she doing? I stood there confused of what she could do, but I'd knew it be something, so I stood there, my body controlling itself to stay back. It took everything I had not to cry, to give myself and my emotions. I couldn't do that. The last thing I need is for an enemy to know a weakness.but.does that mean that Seifer was officially a rival again? Maybe eve more, possibly a mere enemy? An enemy that do anything in his path just to hurt me and everything that surrounded me? It's just like before. Like during the sorceress wars. I remember it clearly now. I close my eyes in remembrance, but to my knowledge my eyes came right back into his glance. The next thing I knew Quistis had her chance, and she wasn't about to leave anything out.  
  
She approached him slowly; his face now left mine, and with a smirk, moved onto her. He lifted his brow at her. What was he up to? I feel myself wince. I curse my body inside. 'Don't let him get to you..you're safe'..I don't know how many times I repeated that in my head but when I realized I was unaffected the verbal conflicts had started.  
  
"You have a lot of nerve Seifer!!" she glared at him, maybe anticipating what he would say.  
  
"Quistis I--" he was suddenly cut off by a huge smack across his face. Quistis back-handed him, her fury now noticeable.  
  
"You have no excuses Seifer, you're not wanted here.Squall's safe and he isn't up for you're mistreatment again." Her glare was maybe more worse than mine. "You should be ashamed." she paused as her eyes filled with tears.  
  
I couldn't take it. My 2 best friends..maybe 2 people I had loved or still very well do love, falling apart in front of me. I gathered the strength that I had and held my dear instructor as I slowly transferred a solid glare at my rival. He stared back, his jade eyes cutting my glare. Yet, I see something I didn't before. His eyes, they weren't filled with anger. I must have been to scared to notice. But for that long moment as I held a weeping princess in my arms, I had seen sympathy. In my former lover's eyes, they filled with sympathetic looks and pain from deep inside. What was this feeling inside me? I close my eyes. This is a dream.I open my eyes.no...he's still there. Quistis slowly regains her composure and stares at the both of us possibly not knowing what to do. I feel like falling. My whole body is shaking, and they both seem to notice.  
  
"Squall...I'm..I--" he, yet again was cut off, non other by Quistis herself. He had tried to touch me, reaching his pale hands to grasp my shoulder, but Quistis was protecting me. Why? Could they notice that I was shaking? My insides turn. Seifer wouldn't dare to hurt me again..would he? I look back into his eyes, he does look safe..then without thinking I did something I'd never thought I'd do again. My pale cold hands touched Seifer's rugged face. He looked horrible. He had bags under his eyes and his skin was pale, even much more paler than mine..For a moment I may have felt sympathy for him and maybe even for myself. It was sad what he had become. I would admit this; I wanted to be back in his arms. I will admit that I had longed for him, maybe that's why I went to the beach often... That's where we confessed our love, maybe I was waiting for him to come back. I look down removing my hands from his face and they retreat to my pockets. I couldn't look at him anymore. I loved him...but....he.. I feel the tears well up inside. Why wont you go away...I cant take this.....I look up and find his expression totally confused. Maybe from my actions, then I placed a look on Quistis. She stared in maybe a confused state as well. The next moments which seemed forever took place in silence. The each of us looking at each other as if for an answer that couldn't be heard. But yet..our silence said everything..  
  
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Thanks to the people that commented before I really appreciated it. And yes Rajin and Fujin will be placed within this story. Reviews are appreciated and thanks for reading!! Chapter 3 will be updated as soon as possible. 


	3. Hard Thinking

Through the Ice. Chapter 3: Hard Thinking.  
  
Soon or later, not remembering how, we all retreated. Those moments of silence where let alone the longest in my time. It makes me think. Maybe a little too much. After a few minutes of that unmerciful bliss, I claimed I was tired. The friction between all of us was gone. It was now just kind of awkward. None of us knew what to say or what to do. Like childhood friends that finally met again when they had already grown up. So with my last request I told them wed settle it sometime else. I wasn't in the mood for confrontation. Nor did it seem a good thing to anyone else. Quistis left along with Seifer who, by the look in his eyes, were the pain fullest thing I've ever seen. It hurt to see him like that.but it wasn't my fault. After they left I'll have to assume that they talked for a while. They used to be really close. Me, on the other hand, I sat in the shower. Feeling that warm embracing feeling, as the warm water hit my body. I felt horrible. It seemed to be happening again. I let it get to me. This all happens way too fast like my vision suddenly gets to a blur as these thoughts come in. Then everything goes black. I can't remember the last time I was happy, sadly enough. I can't remember how ling I sat there, thinking once again to myself. I wanted to quit. I wanted all the pain and sorrow to go away. I was falling apart. For the first time in six months, I cried. I cried until I didn't have any strength left in my body. I crawled out of the shower trying off the water then wrapped a towel around my thin waist. I felt sick; I laid myself into my bed, raveling myself in the nice silk sheets leaving my head out. What's wrong with me? Why do I feel this way.?  
  
I huddle to myself. I don't know how long I was there.I remember getting up than getting dressed slowly. To my further notice I made my way to the cafeteria, I hadn't eaten in a good 2 days. I walked down the halls after locking my door, and started to make my way to the lunch room. I shoved my hands in my pockets and walked slowly. I wonder where Seifer is? Or where was Quisty even? I sulk my head down as I keep walking. I can fell people and their stares as they pierced onto my body. I don't look at them nor do I acknowledge their existence. I was too used to that to care anymore.its been like that since 2 months ago. I shake my head. He's gone, I don't need him.I never did.nor did I need anyone else. I raised my head as I got to the sign of the cafeteria. I shake my head yet again. I wasn't hungry; thinking too much had my appetite lost. My gaze traveled around Balamb. I wasn't sure why I was here.why am I even alive? I don't see a purpose; it's as if I'm a ghost reflecting on sights of my old life, sulking in the fear of what I should have done. I sigh. This needs to stop...but how?  
  
Long after that I finally wandered around Balamb I don't know how many times. It was like I was searching for something. But what? Clearly not answers top why all of mankind has to suffer in its own pathetic way, I've already tried that.I laughed at myself. By the time I stopped I winded up back where I started.my dorm. But I had to double glance at the door.it...it was open?!? Who the hell was in there? Or maybe who was there in there?!? I didn't know what to do, but curiosity had hit me. That didn't hit me often, but hey, so let me take the chance3 for once.  
  
At first, I only peeked into my doorway, then I heard a thud, I thought about it and decided it was from my bed. I smirked; I had seen a blonde flash. I smirked again as I finally had figured out who it was. It was Quistis.I knew it..  
  
I swung my door open, with an intension of seeing my imposture. But I stopped dead in my tracks, my hands still holding the door knob, my feet planted firmly onto the ground. I felt my heart race, even my temples and the palms of my hands started to sweat. My gaze was frozen. I analyzed the object that sat ion my bed, a person, yes, with blonde hair. But a man...my gaze pierces into his, I couldn't move..That man was non other than Seifer Almassy.  
  
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Thanx again for all you all that commented on my story. ^-^ I really like it and I promise more characters will be in it but the 3 main ones in it now, the story is going to revolve around them so yeah ^-^;; Anyway thanx for your time and Chapter 4 will be updated ASAP. Reviews are always appreciated!!! 


	4. No Help

Through the Ice... Chapter 4: No Help  
  
He looked up at me, his look surprised and maybe even filled with a kind of fear. I couldn't move, my normal emotionless expression was not to be found for I too was in total surprise. I had to move, or say something. I couldn't let him see me like this. I wouldn't let him see me like this. But then my act was going to be interrupted. Seifer had stood up, his eyes.those jaded eyes starring into mine.then he spoke.  
  
"Squall..I.I--" he stuttered as he saw my arms crossed after I had closed the door. He swallowed hard. I guess choking on his words. This was my chance.maybe my only one that I'd have.  
  
"Seifer, just spit it out na?" I spoke clearly, my voice a bit raspy from lack of use. I hadn't spoken to anyone after the "incident" two months ago. I spoke only to Quistis, and if I did, it was no more that ten words a day. I tried to make my eyes ice...trying to not let him see what hid behind my walls.so he wouldn't break their force..so I wouldn't fall into the abyss..  
  
His eyes glanced up at me. Then he did as he was ordered. He went on with whatever nonsense or excuse he could come up with. And well..heh.lets see what he's got. "I---I." He cleared his throat. "I just wanted to see you..its been a long time..well.what I mean..is I'm sorry.I just can't." he was cut off. He knew me all to well. I was his former Ice Prince, as he used to say, and he knew that I was never patient and that I was easily perturbed with stupidity. Huh. Glad he figured that out on his own. I smirked, I'm winning. I turned my head away from him. I didn't want to believe any of this. Why should I? I have every right to kick him out.I have every right to be free as every one else around this place. I should be able to free myself from his grasp..I should be able to shut him out and forget everything..  
  
"Squall just listen.it's been two months.long months at that.." His statement interrupted my thoughts. I'm sick of it. How long is this going to go on?!? How long do I have to suffer just because the only person I truly loved and gave everything to, just threw it away when I finally got the courage to say 3 petty damn words?!? And how the hell does he figure that it's been 2 long months for him..well..heh. I smirk. He has no idea.My ice glare pierces with full eye contact and then I couldn't take it anymore. I felt it all come out. I spoke.  
  
"Bull shit Seifer!" I kept my glare on him as he stared at me with a terrified look. Now to end this petty conversation. "Just bull shit! I can't take it anymore Seifer! So finally after two months you get the balls to come and speak to me, and now you come and try to apologize??? What the hell do you think you're doing? And don't you know the slightest shit you put me through?" I kept my composure. "You have no idea how long two months can be..so don't even start I don't want to hear you pathetic excuses." I was sweating.and panting.I used my energy to force the words that I so long kept inside. My fury was noticeable and by the look of his face he knew. "Squall, for hell's sake just listen." He stopped seeing my anger almost instantly drain from my expression. I was confused myself. I didn't know what this feeling was. I couldn't explain what I was feeling. "Just listen.These two months, I know as well, have been long. And as much as you might never believe it put me through hell.maybe not as much as you.but.I made a mistake...and you'll probably never forgive me." he choked then his yes glittered with water. "I-I--..cant live without you Squall..I love you."  
  
A huge silence fell between us. I, again, couldn't move, I take he was waiting for an answer. But I couldn't think of anything to say. Two months..was a long time.that he had left me waiting..two months I suffered..two months I waited for him to come back.Wait. Is that the truth? What the hell? Did I really wait for him to come back.did I know he would? I let out a sigh. This was all to confusing, and I didn't know what to do. I didn't still love him..right? I looked at him for one more time..those jaded eyes...they made me melt inside, and his voice was ringing in my head. I shook my head. All is lost and there is nothing I can do about it. I started to turn away and grabbed the door. I had one last reply before I would leave. I'm giving up. Why shouldn't I? I tried loving him and look where that ever got me.so I quit this little game of life.I quit. "Whatever."  
  
"Squall! Damnit just listen to me!" he screamed as he ran toward me then stopped right behind me.  
  
"I'm going...I can't do this Seifer.." I slowly, maybe even unwillingly said as I started to turn the knob of the door. Then I felt a sudden rush hit my body. A physical touch had hit my body. I was stunned. I froze, being completely still.  
  
"Just...wait.please." a calm but low voice said behind me. I look back over my shoulder and I met Seifer's face. What was he doing? I look at my position. I almost wince. He was holding me from behind, my arms tucked under his as his grip was over my chest. I couldn't move. I struggled, trying and gain some strength, but his grip stayed still as he just tightened. It hurt as I felt a rush of pain go through my body. It hurt to breath. I winced in pain by I could never show him that I was getting hurt. Not again. I sat there maybe for another 10 mins, Seifer was trying to regain his breath from trying to keep me in his hold, but what he didn't notice is that I was getting energy just by building up my anger. Finally I tried. I shoved my body upward making the top of my head collide with the bottom of his jaw which sent him back and we ran into the wall. I tried to get up from the floor and head for the door.but there he was and now he had me in a pin against the wall. His weight of his hands held my wrists above my head and against the wall so I had no control. I stopped struggling. As much as I would hate to admit, he may have always been the stronger one when it came to brute force.  
  
"Just listen.I'm not going to hurt you. Don't you think that I have already made that mistake once? And I wouldn't want to hurt you...because I love you..and whether you believe it or no, I will always love you squall.." He lightened his grip but still held me. I didn't want to fight him..plus as I had said before.he simply overpowered me from his height and weight. I listened to those words hundreds of times in my head. I didn't believe him. How could I? He left me, he hurt me.he.promised. I wince and closed my eyes, as I slowly feel my tears shoving themselves out. They trail down my cheek. As Seifer's finger wiped me tears off I had winced again. I stared up at him and for the first time I cried in front of him. I let it out. I stared into those jaded orbs..I really do..I really do...I couldn't hold my emotions anymore, I couldn't stand life. I felt myself fall to the floor. By he guided me down. As my watered eyes looked up I saw him, Seifer, my dear former lover, holding me. Gently he caressed me into his arms, as I wept silently to myself. He stroked his hand gently through my hair. I didn't know what to do. I felt so secure. I felt so warm..and so I stayed. And there we sat, in silence.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Yay! Finally I posted this thing up! Lol I have chapter 5 and 6 about ready to go so they will be updated soon! Reviews are appreciated and thanx for reading!! 


	5. A Souvenir

Through the Ice. Chapter 5: A Souvenir  
  
We sat there for almost an eternity. Or so it had felt. I can't believe I let it all out.I had cried and sat there vulnerable to his warmth..his love.his passion.as he slowly gathered me into his arms as I sunk into his chest, hearing his longed heartbeat. He treated me like a doll. A porcelain doll that, if fallen from the highest shelf of its place, would fall upon the floor and shatter into a million pieces. Maybe I was that doll. And I had fallen..but he dove just in time to save me within his warm arms of the creator. I couldn't move. I couldn't understand anything..everything hurt. Why is this happening to me? I can't figure out this life that you have given me, I don't understand why I still breathe or why I dream awake. Why must the sorrow seek in through out my heart and stain my soul? Why must the white bird be shot down by the hunter which care d and nurtured him to health as the young? I shake my head. This needs to stop. I feel as my head were to explode. I can't do this..I feel these tears coming..not again...god.please..not again...  
  
He kept me in his arms..how long was this to last? How long would it take me to gather myself and stand for what I truly am..or am I destined to sit and wait for another to pick me up..maybe that one was Seifer. Maybe he was the hunter and I was that dove..he shot me down to see how I survived and now he has come to nurture the one he created... No that isn't me. I won't allow it..or had it already happened. I sigh and drop my composure. I needed to stop.but really. I had to sit and ask myself.would I fall back to him just like that? Could I? Even after all that he has put me through. I close my eyes tighter. What about Quistis? What about her feelings and the beach..how could I forget all this time....My mind speaks of me being selfish...But is that the right word to be replaced just by such confusion. Its funny people only see the outside and take all t he rest of it for granted. I did that once..but look at where I am now...seriously..  
  
I couldn't stop this insanity that lived dormant within my soul. This was my burden...but it needed to spring free. Seifer broke my silence. He placed his finger upon my lower chin and lifted my face to face his. He smiled at me, staring with those jaded eyes...they were what they did. I stared blankly..what was I to do? The next moment I felt as if a dream. Reality no longer existed and I was alone..besides Seifer. I think I smiled back at him.possibly not visible but it might have left some sort of trace because it lead to actions. I had no control. His warm rose petal colored lips touched mine and a rush went over me.it swept me away.I couldn't explain the feeling if I had to. Geez I hated words. The next minute I found myself upon the floor, pinned down gently by the older blonde above me. This couldn't be good..and the thing about this..I'm not doing anything to stop him....I can't!  
  
He went too far. My shirt was unbuttoned for I never wore my usual attire lately. I had worn cargos for pants and button shirts. I tried to shuffle out from under him. He had the advantage. I dared not to open my eyes. I didn't want to be conscious of what was happening nor did I want to see it. But my actions didn't want to listen. I opened slowly and saw him leaning over me. He trailed his finger slowly down my neck and then down my chest making the shirt sink lower almost off my body. He stopped. Between my left lower collar bone and my sternum. He froze, I knew. He found something..a souvenir..I guess that's what you could call it. His eyes look up at me with disgust, or maybe even a fear to ask what it had come from. He finally backed off. I quickly gathered myself, crossing my shirt and covering what he had seen. A scar. That very scar in which he had given me. I looked at him. He stared blankly at the spot that was now covered by my shirt, which was held shut by my hands and arms. He looked at me with a sort of question pasted on his face..then our silence was broken.he spoke.  
  
"Squall..I..I didn't do that..did I?" He waited. I looked at him again, I analyzed him for once. Like I used to when I was so found of his features. Guess I still am. I pierce into his eyes and he stands tall now. I stand as well. I won't be weak. I'm tired of it. I nod off slowly. Then I place my daggers to him again. He backs off. I can't take this anymore..its getting old. I hate to be the toy, I don't want to feel used...I am not to be abused. I am a person and I do have feelings..that's the end...  
  
Those thoughts stuck in my head as I left without another word or glance. He dared not to follow. I guess he understood. The time would come when I would face this problem and that time would come soon. And when it did..I would be waiting and ready...  
  
Thanks for reading this everyone who commented, you guys rock! I'm so happy that this is going good. My computer hasn't been working lately and I couldn't update these chapters but here they are and I'm trying to get this stupid security lock off of my computer so I can update quicker! Thank you all again for waiting and hope you enjoy! Chapter 6 coming soon!!!! 


	6. Changes

Chapter 6: Changes. Through the Ice.  
  
I left. I couldn't go back, even as much as I may have wanted to. I wasn't running away...Oh no..you can definitely bet on that. I'll be back, I just need time to sort these things out. I'm going through too many changes...too many all at once. There isn't an escape this time..I have to do this..I have to breathe..I have to be set free from this torment. I will..  
  
I'm not supposed to be scared of anything.  
  
But I don't know where I am.  
  
I was walking around..on that very same beach. I was lost...I'm scared..As much as I would hate to admit, it's cold and dark out here. And there isn't anywhere left to go. What do I do? The breeze hits my face and makes me shiver. I look out into the dark abyss.  
  
I wish that I could move but I'm exhausted,  
  
And nobody understands.  
  
I drop to the floor. I can't do this anymore. I couldn't move. I look down at the now wet sand as tiny droplets left my cheek. Why was this happening? It was all my fault. Mom said to always stick by yourself..that way when they leave.like dad did..everything would be ok and you could go on...without having to be hurt. No one can fathom the pain I ingest everyday. No one can understand this tortured soul..and should they never have to endure what I ever did. Everything hurts..the world grows darker..  
  
I'm tryin' hard to breathe now but there's no air in my lungs  
  
there's no one here to talk to  
  
and the pain inside is making me num.  
  
I can't feel anything, and I'm all alone. My breath is short, maybe..hopefully, this could be the end. I don't want to go on. How could I? Do I have something to live for? Or am I just here as a toy for people to use and then to get bored and throw me away. Why can't I rid them from my dreams...?  
  
I try to hold this, under control  
  
they can't help me  
  
'Cause no one knows  
  
They all try..but how can they when they can't feel what I do? Words are no use in a world with such stupidity and ignorance. I can't stand this. Why must people push to the limit? Why can't they just leave you alone? Is that ever too much to ask? I hold my head down. This is giving me a headache..  
  
Now I'm going through changes, changes  
  
God I feel so frustrated lately  
  
When I get suffocated save me  
  
Now I'm going through changes, changes  
  
This world is horrible. It's everything but filled with love and beauty. And for the people who have both take it all for granted so why would you bother to give it to them? They would just use it. But even if you gave it to those who need it, they would abuse it as well. So what's the point in living life? Is there anything that words can't do? Hey I have one..express. They can't say anything. Words are to shy to show their true meaning, or others are just too blind to see it all. Words are just words.these days they have lost all their meaning. So all in all..there is no meaning to anything is there?  
  
I'm feelin' weak and weary walkin' through this world alone  
  
Everything I say, every word of it, cuts me to the bone  
  
I've got something to say but now I got nowhere to turn  
  
It feels like I've been buried underneath all the weight of the world  
  
Why must life be this difficult? Or does it shun down on one person? Seems like it. What's the matter with hiding behind a mask? What's wrong with being different? So what if I don't talk much, who cares about anything? I swear people can't just leave me alone. What the hell is wrong with this world? And even if I had something to say, who can you trust? I can't talk to anyone...I may be afraid but that's not the reason. I don't want to tell anyone. Words can't make them feel what I feel. And heaven forbid that someone felt what I felt. I'm surprised I got this damn far. My mind is clouded, part with anger and sadness..and yet I still don't know what to do.  
  
Now I'm going through changes, changes  
  
God I feel so frustrated lately  
  
When I get suffocated save me  
  
Now I'm going through changes, changes  
  
I'm blind and shaking  
  
Bound and breaking  
  
I hope I make it through all these changes  
  
Now I'm going through changes, changes  
  
God I feel so frustrated lately  
  
When I get suffocated save me  
  
Now I'm falling apart now I feel it  
  
But I'm going through changes, changes  
  
God I feel so frustrated lately  
  
And I get suffocated I hate this  
  
But I'm going through changes, changes 


	7. Remembrance

Through the Ice. Chapter 7: Remembrance..  
  
I hardly remember anything, my anger had finally diminished. I couldn't understand anything anymore. I can't find where I am in life. I sighed letting my chocolate colored strands of hair fall over my eyes. Somehow I made it back to Balamb. Where was everyone? It was ghost like..No one was around. I remember slowly walking through the hall into my dorm. My barren walls.there was nothing on them..just the white was staring back at me..I was missing something. Physically or mentally I couldn't tell you that much. I sat on my satin white sheets. I tried to relax. I laid down after taking my shirt off and felt the warmth of the sheets as they covered my upper body. Their silky touch of one I knew...  
  
"Quisty.." I whispered to myself. And with that thought I feel asleep. I hadn't slept in days, so I guess it finally caught up with me. I fell deep asleep...or so I can't note.as did I start to dream..  
  
((flashback dream))  
  
I came home from work. The evening had been dark, and I was sick of paperwork. I still worked for SeeD. Not doing as many missions, so I just got stuck behind a desk filled with paper work. Finally Cid saw my patience lowering to a minimum and finally gave me a couple of days to lay back and find sleep and get my sanity away from that damned room. I set my keys on the end table near the door. I remember sitting near the fireplace, its warmth entangled me as the flames licked the already burning wood. Seifer was to be home soon. I lived in Seifer's house, after the sorcerer's war he moved into a cabin not far from Timber. It was a long wait. But I was willing to stay.for him..Seifer came home about midnight. He looked dazed but I assumed that he was just tired. I had the next couple of days to spend with him, I was so happy with him, nothing could go wrong. I ran to him in an embrace but then I made a fatal mistake. With the notice of smelling the alcohol that intoxicated his aura, I had already kissed his lips and said 3 words that meant more than life itself. They changed my entire life from that point. He shoved me away, the brightness of his jade eyes were gone and his smile was not to be found. The air became weary and I starred into his eyes, that endless sea of jade. To that moment a sudden impact hit my face. I couldn't understand. I looked up at him once again. I was laying on the floor, I was scared too much to move away or know any better. I shivered. His stature was cold...I didn't know what to do. His voice raised as he said cruel words. How could I ever forget them? They still ring in my head these days; tormenting my being..I fear they never will find another place to rest. I winced in my sleep I felt it. Maybe if I closed my eyes tight, things would be ok. Never did I think that he would hurt me. But a lesson well taught it was.  
  
He walked into the kitchen, and there I followed. Stupid. I was vulnerable. Only for my love of him..everything about him. No matter what, I would love him. But its funny how that changes when your most beloved turns into a stranger, and all you ever knew left you, and you had to run. That's what I had to. He had a knife..he kept swinging it around. I think he thought it was a game. For me..? It was survival. I remember running into the bathroom and shutting the door. No one was here to save me..nor could I hurt him. He always had the advantage...physically anyway. What the hell was going through his mind anyway? I had to get a phone. But that was in the bedroom. The knife came from the other side of the form piercing the lock. I ran. I shoved by him, I had to make it. I entered the bedroom, I don't think I've ever ran so fast in my life. He followed closely; I had to knock him down. I ran by him, he was drunk so my best chance was to confuse him. I was fit so I had good agility, faster and quicker than he ever was. He was physical strength. The knife skinned my shoulder. Pain shot through my arm and the blood lightly started to trickle down my arm. I winced but I made my move, I tripped him, running and leg sweeping him with a powerful thrust. He fell. Here's my chance.  
  
I darted to the phone, see D's military police were faster than most ... I dialed and soon hung up the phone after giving them the information. My surroundings were dark and cold. The pain in my arm started to seize ... but I lost a lot of blood and the reason why the pain had stopped was either from shock or my arm had fallen numb. I looked around .. I couldn't find him. He was somewhere ... I tried not to panic. I felt something grab me from behind ... it was him. I fought back. I had to make it until they get here .. I had to hold out. He swung me on the bed, pinning me down, my front side facing the ceiling. He tried to shove the knife near my neck. I grabbed his hand. I felt the adrenaline rush as I held his head away with all my might. His weight slowly was cracking my lower rib. I felt it snap, as I winced the knife lunged and hit my collar bone and traveled downward to my sternum, deeply cutting it into my flesh. I felt the tears hit my eyes as I tried not to make a sound. I'm not weak. I found the strength to shove him off as the force batted through the door.  
  
((end of dream))  
  
I shot up, the cold sweat trickling down my already pale face. But I was warm ... Quistis? She was holding me, I sat upright into her arms. I help her back, I don't want this anymore. She caressed me lightly, her towel soft and filled with grief or sympathy. I parted regaining my posture, I was cold. Her warm arms and gentile hands touched my bare arms and back. I tried to relax...  
  
"There you go, it's okay... you're okay... I'm here Squall..." she said as she ran her fingers through my hair 


End file.
